Nurturing even the ugly
Education for the Future | Personal Journal & Field Experience | Sept 18, 2008 | 1 hour field work
The boy and I have been working in the yard. As summer comes to a close, the yard is becoming less 'pretty'. There are fall leaves to be picked up and more dead-heads on the flowering plants. As we worked through the 'ugly' parts of the yard it occurred to me that nurturing plants is much like nurturing relationships.
When I got the plants we have, I was all excited, picking the ones I wanted for the characteristics they had and what they would do to enhance the garden. It was like shopping around for a spouse or a friend. That last statement is likely to sound so crude but really isn't that what we end up doing? We choose our partners and friends for the characteristics they have and the needs they fulfill, for how they will enhance our lives. Through the glorious summer, I nurtured the plants and they bloomed and gave fruit. It was so beautiful! It was like the honeymoon phase of any relationship full of nurturing and love, with lots of flowering and blossoming of both people.
Then came the rain. I started to see more weeds, insects and pests on the plants, dead-heads and fungus. This is like the first hump of every relationship when something begins to tick you off, when the other person doesn't look so pretty, when the ugly side is revealed. I nurture the plants even through their ugly phases, picking out dead leaves, wiping away pests, giving them more nourishment. That last one is key .. giving them more nourishment — by looking at them, talking to them, bolstering the area around them, covering them, feeding them compost. I nurture them out of their ugliness knowing that it will return and I will work with them through it. But this is not how it feels with human relationships. When the ugly side is revealed I focus on it, failing to see the flowers, failing to see the healthy shoots in the midst of the dead-heads. I ache to pull away the dry leaves but I cannot so I get disgusted and irritated. I don't nurture in those moments. I don't hug, support and nourish the ugly parts so they might heal knowing that they too will return.
What can I do so I might learn to nurture even the ugly phases of a relationship? Why can't I do the same that I do with the plants?