“What happened at school?” “Nothing.”
If you are a parent, you’ve heard those words at least once. Increasing research (and common sense!) shows that parent involvement is critical to a child’s school experience. Yet, when you ask what happened, if you get a “Nothing”, you feel discouraged and the conversation reaches a stalemate.
I am the parent of a pre-schooler and even I get this response though not with an eye-roll and headphones in ears. So, I embarked on what I could do different about my question. Here are some ideas I have played with that have changed our conversation:
Timing: As anxious as we are about hearing about school and natural as it seems, pick-up might not be the best time to talk about what happened. A child stepping out of school, is likely “done” with it for now. She is more excited about seeing you. So, reconnect, see eye-to-eye, hug, smile, pick up your moods with a song, some food maybe, plans she has on her mind. Then, when you spent some time together, share your day.
Side-by-Side: Any child is less likely to talk if you sit them down and “interrogate” them on the day. Instead, make this a side-by-side conversation, something that happens while doing something else. Have you ever noticed how some of your best conversations happen in the car? You are not seeing eye-to-eye, your destination is not the conversation. The disarming space of the car, just invites more information. Do it when you preparing dinner, cleaning out a room, when you are both doing something that is not about the conversation.
Share: Its about sharing — you want to know about her day and she is more likely to share if you share too. Make it a conversation, one in which she is not “reporting” but also looking forward to stories from your day. Your stories, make you interesting, they make you more than just “mom” or “dad”, they also make you appear competent and respectable. So share. Start with your day. By doing so, you create an inviting space for her to share.
Be patient, listen: See if she will share on her own. By doing this, you are focusing on listening instead of asking. If she doesn’t, look for indirect “ins”. When she comes to you with that field trip permission form, take one step further and see if she will talk about the class. When the lunch box is still full, ask not about the lunch but what happened at lunch — who was she talking to, what did they talk about, what else was happening when she was eating. You already know the lunch is not eaten so no point in asking about it. It can however become the window into what happened at lunch.Let the conversation flow from day-to-day so it is less about a record of a particular day but the story of your child’s experience over a span of time. So what if you don’t hear about something on one or two days, catch up over a span of three or four.
Not, “What happened” but “What did you feel”: Your child is more likely to talk to you if you are interested in not the results or the outcomes of her school work but her experience at school. When you see her tired or frustrated, don’t ask her “what’s going on”, ask instead, “you look tired sweetie, want a drink? How are you feeling?”. And then, be patient. She might not spill right away. She will though eventually if you focus on her feelings and what you notice about her demeanor.
It takes time to build the conversation, to get one rolling. It is a work in progress, like all parenting. And there isn’t a goal. Its just a conversation, a long one, that never ends.