Respond with the response you want

I was driving to the grocery store two days ago talking in my head about something that displeased me. As my eyes drifted away and I drove on mechanically, I paused the chatter in my head and asked myself, "why am I so displeased? Where is my response coming from?" I stayed with the question a little longer and realized (once again) the root, the deep root of most of my responses in the world. This root is the story I carry deep within my heart. Over many years now, I have come to see it as the very basic fear that drives most all my responses.

I was raised by a progressive, caring group of adults. Outside of my immediate parents, I was parented by 4 other individuals. They each, in their own way, raised me to be accountable, responsible and integral to my own greatest potential. They did not have many expectations of me except this one — that I must always be true to my own greatest potential. Their intentions were right on. This is what I want for my son too. But in the process, I internalized that I was "never good enough". I always had more to grow into. And while this is a noble goal in many ways, it needs to be balanced with a deep acceptance of who I am at any given point. I have sought this balance in my adult life. But the deeper message I internalized; that I am "never good enough", that remains the root of my many responses in the world, especially responses that arise in difficult, less assuring situations.

As I realized this deeper root of my response on that drive to the grocery store, I had an ah-ha! I realized that I respond in the way I was responded to. I was, in a very indirect, unintentional manner told that I was "never good enough". That is what I learned about myself and that deep inner insecurity drives my response in difficult situations. Granted, I now have the awareness of having this response so my responses have and are changing and the root doesn't have me tethered like it used to, but still, the deep inner story I tell myself unconsciously comes from how people responded to me when I was growing up.

This realization has made me ask how I want my son to respond in the world. How I myself want to respond in the world? Now, I want to treat myself and my son in the exact manner in which I hope for him to respond to himself and to the world around him. I want his internal story to be aligned with the response I think is true to him and compassionate to the world around him. I think this is my greatest work to do with my son and with all the other children I work with. It is our work to do as the responsible grown-ups in our many children's lives. While this work is hard, it is also very doable. It is quite simple: to respond to children in the way we want them to respond to themselves and the world.

So, how I am choosing to respond to Vehd and myself? With curiosity, compassion, integrity and passion. How will you choose to respond to a child you know?

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